Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
