awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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