I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
