I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
