Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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