Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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