Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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