Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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