so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
