You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
