i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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