while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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