im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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