remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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