I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
