Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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