I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
