Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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