so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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