Me. At least after what I've been through.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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