It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
