They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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