you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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