what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
