i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
