where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
