I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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