i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
