Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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