I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
