pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
