Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
