Someone shit on the floor
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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