She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
