i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
