i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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