My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
