Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
