Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
