Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize