he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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