hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
