My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
