A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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