Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
