So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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