nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
