So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize