Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
