I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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