I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
