I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
