John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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