I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize