Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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