You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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