I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
