Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
