My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mom said you looked used
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize