im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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