watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
