Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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